Back to Beth-el: Intermission

I've had a difficult time writing this string of blog entries. There is a fine line that I walk whenever I talk about personal issues; particularly issues that I'm still battling with. Most people have a certain image of pastors that they want cultivated and kept in pristine condition. Pastors are supposed to have their stuff together. They aren't supposed to struggle with the issues that plague everybody else. After all, we pastors promote a lifestyle of spiritual and emotional maturity with every sermon we preach. It is disillusioning when we discover our heroes have chinks in their armor. So, to prevent disillusionment, we'll play these image games with one another.

I hate the mind-games that have infiltrated modern Western Christianity. God, in his divine wisdom, decided to include very human flaws and weaknesses in every single Biblical narrative of even the most faithful man or woman of God. Noah has his vineyard, David has his Bathsheba, Elijah his juniper tree and even Joseph has his breakfast table confessional that really puts the nail in the coffin between he and his brothers. It is only in modern Christianity that we play these image games with one another. You know the game where we pretend everything is peachy keen when we're in a corporate setting but privately we're anything but. This practice is also known as "lying".

Pastors are the worst about this. We're taught in our seminary training to manufacture and maintain an image of maturity whether we are really that mature in our thinking or not. Again, the people have come to expect this of their spiritual leaders and we pastors are more than happy to work on maintaining this facade rather than work on really becoming spiritually and emotionally mature.

I learned a long time ago that playing games like this will eventually kill you. I've seen many great men of God go down in flames simply because they were deluded into playing these mind-games rather than simply working on their personality and character issues. James taught us to "confess your faults one to another and pray for one another that you may be healed" (James 5:16). Pastors are no different than anyone else in the congregation; we have hurts that need healing too. God's process of healing calls for brutal honesty, first with ourselves and eventually with others in the church.

As a pastor, I have no problem confessing my faults with people. I struggle with the same soul-sickness that you all struggle with. I battle with sexual lust, laziness, selfishness and pride issues just like everyone else. Lately, my biggest battle has been an emotional one; I battle with depression on a daily basis. The enemy of our souls knows my specific weaknesses and he's been hammering on my button like crazy lately.

Now, it has been my experience that many church attendees have problems with leaders who are so open with their battles. This is the line that I tightrope walk across on a regular basis. How much is too much confession? James didn't say "confess your faults to everybody in the church". Frankly, not everyone is spiritually and/or emotionally mature enough to follow a flawed leader.

If that describes you, then you probably need to quit reading the next blog entry. Don't worry, I'll be getting back onto some less uncomfortable elephants in our auditoriums in the near future so you don't have to delete this site from your bookmarks just yet (this site IS bookmarked, right?).

If you haven't discovered by now, I'm not your average pastor. I don't pretend. If I don't know the answer to a biblical question, I'll tell you "I don't know". If I have issues with you, I'll tell you what they are and work hard to find a way to repair the issue and restore fellowship with my brethren. If I'm struggling with things to the point that it is negatively affecting my walk, I'll share that too. Such is the case with this "Back To Beth-El" string of blogs. The next blog entry is going to be very, very personal.

So, here's your final warning; if you can't handle a pastor sharing personal struggles and character flaws, you don't want to read the next blog entry. But, if you want to see the inner workings of a Christian's mind as he battles with character issues and flaws, then feel free to join me in a couple of days. My desire in sharing this stuff isn't to gain pity or even a following. I just want to be used of God to bring healing to the broken hearted. God's got a process for doing that and I'm walking it right now. It is a very personal process filled with difficult choices. But God is able to set us all free of our personal prisons, if we'll let him. I hope he'll use my experience to set some of you free as well.

But to do that, a pastor has to shed the image and get "real" with the people.

You have been warned true believers...