This year marks the tenth anniversary of my descent into hell. I wrote a blog about the night my second pastorate crumbled into dust a few weeks ago so if you missed it and you want to know what all this rambling is about, I invite you to back up a few blog entries to catch up on the juicy gossip. Go ahead, I'll wait...
...ok, on with the show.
About a month ago, I found myself standing in the building where all of my ministerial drama took place; at the very same pulpit. Aside from some paint on the walls the room hadn't changed much since the last time I saw it. It even smelled the same. Now, this isn't the first time I've been back to that church building and in the times I've been in there before there was no revelatory scene like the one I'm going to describe for you now. The major difference between my other visits here and this one is this time I was all alone in the building.
I stood at that pulpit and looked over the empty pews for what seemed like hours. Memories, uncontrollable memories,flooded over me; I could not shut off my brain to stop the faces and scenes. It was as if someone had taken over my senses and was forcing me to relive some extremely painful and personal things that I had worked very, very hard to forget. The overriding emotion that I had when I finally left the building was anger.
In fact, since that visit back in early July, I've been battling intense depression. I won't bore you with all the details but for the last month I've been overwhelmed with a fatalistic attitude towards everything, especially church stuff. It was as if the hour I spent in that building was the catalyst for the concoction Satan had been preparing in me for years.
I've spent the last month battling, seeking and asking God the eternal question, "why". Not, "why did I go through all of that junk ten years ago"...I'm done asking that question. This time my question to God has been, "why am I feeling like this? I thought I was over all of that drama." When I say I was battling depression, I want to be clear. I was closer to quitting the ministry than I've been in the 7 years I've been pastoring in Pearland.
The reason I'm sharing all of this with you, my tens of readers, is because of what God has revealed to me in the last 2 weeks. God apparently orchestrated my return to my personal "Beth-el" to open my eyes to some deep seated issues that I needed to deal with if I am going to move any deeper with Him.
You see, because of my pain and heartbreak, I had developed a spiritual cancer that was slowly destroying me. I had allowed myself to grow hard-hearted toward God and His Word, His Will and His Ways. I had grown distrustful of God and His people...no scratch that, I had absolutely no trust for God and His people.
This may sound crazy to you, a pastor who doesn't trust God or Christian, but it is more prevalent than you may think. I know of many men of God who have grown hard toward their calling and resentful toward their people. Most of those men do not last long in ministry and I was definitely on my way out too.
But God...
God has used this visit to open my eyes and show me areas that I need to repent in. Yep, pastors have to repent too. I made a ton of vows during those first few years following my second pastorate and none of those vows were good ones. I've since recanted all of them...except for one. I swore to the heavens above that I would never trust another human being again as long as I lived. You don't have to be betrayed and back-stabbed too many times in life before you develop an intense dislike for that experience and a desire to never repeat it.
Please know, this hardness of heart was never a conscious thing. As with all of Satan's methods, this has been a subtle hijacking of my passion and heart's desire. The thing is, I've allowed this process to take place. Instead of "taking every thought captive" (2 Cor.10:5) and thinking on "these things" (Philippians 4:8) I chose to think on destructive things that were poisoning my soul. The result of my attitude and reaction to my past was, like Ephesus, I had left my first love (Revelation 2:4)
Like that ancient church, I'm faced with the same process of healing they were faced with. "Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen and repent..." (Rev.2:5). I needed to be reminded of some things. God brought me back to the place where he began to really work on me to remind me of where I've been and where He is taking me in His kingdom. I needed my trip back to my personal Beth-el even though the trip has been painful and filled with pitfalls. God has brought me back to a place of repentance and I can tell you that my attitude and outlook on life has done a complete 180 degree turn.
That's the process God has all of us on. Most of us want God to heal us from our heartbreak as He said he would do (Luke 4:18) but we usually want Him to heal us OUR way; specifically, just pull the pain and junk out of our heads so we can live in peace. Newsflash: God doesn't operate that way; He never has. His Word, Will And Ways for us are for us to choose His way. That requires repentance. Salvation does not come apart from true repentance (Matthew 3:8). There's an awful lot of born again Christians who still need salvation...from themselves.
I've been one of them. Am I completely cured never to fall into a depressed state again. Nope, Satan's regrouping and getting ready for His next attack on me, of this I have no doubt. But God is equipping me with His weapons of warfare. Strongholds are being torn down in my inner-man (2 Corinthians 10:4) every time I stop kicking against the pricks and just trust and obey Him. To get this trust issue out in the open, God had to bring me to my Beth-el. To get the trust issue properly dealt with I had to get on my knees and remember, repent and refocus on Him and His word.
It's amazing how many of us struggle with mental health issues. I wonder, when is the last time you got your knees before your King? I guarantee, an humble spirit and a contrite heart will chase the blues away faster than a lifetime of Prozac...thank God.
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3 comments:
I must say that I'm dissapointed. As a loyal tens of reader I was expecting some real pearls of wisdom. Trust and repentance are the milk that Paul spoke of when we are not ready for solid food.
A trust in the Lord and at least an initial repentance is what made us God's children, we are to grow from there. Certainly we have to return frequently but I'm surprised this came at such a long miserable revelation.
I frequently am.........am....... offended, yup thats the word, at how frequently I hear people say they are or were angry with God! The audacity! They must not comprehend the price of their purchase!
I think todays "Pastors" or the majority are coming out of this holy holy holy acadamia world with no experience of life under their belt to lead sheep who have very sharp teeth and the skills of social ninjas! Though I can muster compassion for your anger and deppression It makes me angry that one called by God could crumble so far by meer people being sinnful divisive people.
I think maybe pastors should have to do a couple of tours in the Marines and spend a year or two with me in the middle of the night in Houstons 3rd Ward patrolling an area that sees you as the enemy with blue lights.
I will pray for you Pastor Chris and I mean this sincerely but I tell you this my friend, Satan uses far more horrific things to take us from Gods will than a few mean people who do nothing more than talk. Come meet my congregation! Maybe every Friday night they will try to end your life to! I still love them though! I believe my King once said "Forgive them Father, they no not what they do."
Howdy Houstoncop77,
Thank you, sincerely, for your comments. Allow me to rebutt.
Everybody's wired differently. I make no bones about that. I have no illusions of my immaturity in some areas nor do I have a desire to maintain a spiritual facade in order to please people. I am what I am and that's the reason I shared some of this with you my loyal readers.
I know there are countless millions of people who struggle and battle with many different emotional and spiritual issues that seem weak and childish to those who do not struggle with them. I've been "counseled" by many ministers to "suck it up, son" and "man up" over the years and let me tell you, that tactic does not help at all in any way.
That is why I love the way my Father handles things. He knows when to be gentle and he knows when to be stern. He has wisdom that most of us do not possess even on our best days and attacks our problems (whatever they may be) without damaging the sheep in the process.
I am impressed with your service in the corp and greatly admire your service in HPD. You do things that I could never do for a variety of reasons.
However, if you, as a minister, were to ever counsel someone deeply wracked with depression and anger issues in the manner that you've responded here, you'd do much more damage than good, even though you're speaking truth.
Speaking truth requires more than just blasting someone with factual spiritual information. Christ taught us to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Be careful that you don't enter into a place of spiritual pride. The message I got from your comment was "I'm much more spiritually and mature than you because my experiences are deeper, my church is tougher, my stuff is better, etc..." Not the best way to bring the love of Christ into someone's struggles.
I appreciate your prayers and covet them, sincerely. I applaud and praise God for your ministry and service to our King. Again, you are doing what God has called you to do; something I could never do.
I am sure the same is true in reverse. That is why God calls different people to different areas of service. Not so we can look at each other with disdain and "disappointment" when we see or hear something that doesn't jive with what we are doing or line up with our level of spiritual maturity. We're all at a different "glory". Don't forget that.
Love you in Christ, my brother and I'll be praying for you and your ministry as well. Hope you keep reading and checking in with me.
Pastor Chris
That was awesome, thats what I wanted to see! What I wrote was no means a test, but the strength the Lord provides to you for boldness is the same exact strength he provides me to deal with the evils that creep in the night. The same exact strength and measured out to us equally!
Though we are "wired" differently the same architect designed us all. He built all of us as vessels for his power! I did not mean to attack your maturity, I merely wrote what I wrote point on. I read and reread it several times before I sent it. Your a shepard of the flock my friend, if your maturity is good enough for the Lord to call you to feed his sheep and then call you back again, thats good enough for me.
Now for the kicker. Pride came out to some degree, I'm aware. Its on the long list of Father please fix. Spiritual pride not so much though, I'm a crisis intervention specialist and a hostage negotiator for my department, I can speak all the right words by situation. I can't always be right with everyone, but like I said, I wrote what I thought was appropriate. I was no doubt given this position by God, no one killed themself yet, I love people and I love to help.
Your on the radio and called to a pulpit, your ability to accept the Lords strength must be awesome. The Lord told me one night on a routine drunk that he could not use me as he wants to in such a condition. My friend I tell you I was healed of alcoholism in days! Ask, seek and knock for that deppression to be removed for his glory.
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